The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
You did what with his pubic hair?
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