i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
