In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
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