o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
What happened with the girl wasn't a gay thing. It was just a mutual respect and want for sex. The guys just weren't there.
Call it what you want. You fucked a girl.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
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