You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
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