I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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