I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Randomize
