ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
Randomize
