i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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