Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
New drinking game. Every time Romney and Santorum switch leads, take a shot.
....this is what your political science major is getting you?
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
Randomize
