yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Randomize
