I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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