Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
Someone came in the potted fern
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Would I do it again? Probably not but still,I don't regret a single ratchet thing I've done in college.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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