Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Randomize
