life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
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