I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
Randomize
