Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
Randomize
