Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
