just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
My hand turned me down
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Randomize