Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
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