Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Randomize
