no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
Randomize
