you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
Randomize
