I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
