Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Randomize
