i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
just won 200$ from the school for "liking" the anti-alcohol seminar. putting it to good use
how?
not even kidding, my fake id is arriving in 6-8 business days
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Randomize
