Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
