im having a threesome with these popsicles
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
I party with great urgency now.
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