Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
Randomize
