Think the blond can even spell "shiksa"?
i think he might wanna be bffs again, but idk cause we're friends again but we haven't been bff since like a year. i don't know what to think...
wow. what a nail bitter. i need popcorn for this. brb
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Randomize
