dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
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