apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
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