best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
Randomize
