My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Randomize
