Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
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