i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
