we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
Randomize