I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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