In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Randomize
