Should I ask him to prom mid fuck? That way he has to say yes.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
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