is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
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