when im bored during the day i often think, what do people who dont get high do with their day.. i came to the conlcusion that everyone must be getting high
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
Randomize
