Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
drinking out of a sandbucket again
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
Randomize
