I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
You dont understand. she was my french AND spanish teacher. that's 2 kinds of freaky. i have to find her on facebook.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
Randomize
