I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
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