Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
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