I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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