Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
