I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
Does having sex in the men's bathroom on the boardwalk count as having sex on the beach?
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
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