I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
