I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
i go for whatevers easier....i'm bisexual strictly due to the convenience factor
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
Randomize