If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
