last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Randomize
