I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
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