I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
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