two words: eviction party
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
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