i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
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