the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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