So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
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